Went really well. It was easy enough, only had to move like two loads of stuff. Then spent the rest of the day sorting out the rest of my stuff.

Had life course last night, was very cool. The topic covered was how can we be sure of our faith. Nice to catch up with the others as well.

I remember when I first came to faith, been blown away by God, and the fact that even though I'd been the places I'd been, God still cared, and God could even forgive me and we could start again...... That was enough to bend my noodle


I saw God as a God of miracles, a God that could do anything. The church I had come from, before my current church, was full of alot of excess, and more than one occassion, I saw people being pushed down by the person who was praying for them. I ended up getting really cynical and wondering if the God I thought I served was really that amazing. In my heart I was growing cold towards Him


I was lucky to find my current church, it is a church that appeals to my roots, but also believes in the baptism of the Holy Spirit and operates in the gifts of the Holy spirit.

But I was scared, I was scared of God, scared of finding out that God really was a fake.


That all changed this weekend, I went away with people from the church, for a life course weekend. The topic of the weekend was the Holy Spirit. Which I think had I known that before I went, I may not have gone. But the good thing about it being three hours away and having taken a car load to the weekend was that going home wasnt an option.


I found God again, I found the God that picked me out of the squalor that was my life. And had the most wonderful gentle encounter with the Holy Spirit not scary but so powerful. I think I discovered again the God of miracles, the God that with him, all things are possible


Why am I sharing this? I think at times, its easy for us as christians to get cold in our hearts towards the gospel story. Its to easy to forget the utterly mind blowing thing that God did for us...

KErrrrrap

Took my car for a WOF today, only to find out it failed because my left front wheel was knackered. Could have cried, the garage didnt have one in stock, but they sent me round the road to another place, who had none. I then was sent to another garage two doors down. Finally sucess, they had one only cost me $40.

Went back to get my WOF, only to discover they had found one the minute I walked out the door.... Mutter mutter mutter. Anyhow, am going to stop in on my way south next Monday to get it sorted. Have to do it, but it will only cost me $30

I'd been terrified for ages i think of really experiencing God. To let God close to me was not something I wanted to do, because I thought somehow this God would turn out to be like the God of City IMpact, where instead of the Holy spirit being free to move, people have to push people down, and to generally force the movement of the Holy Spirit. But when the Holy Spirit is left free to move, in a prescence where the song leader isnt miked to oblivion, people arent trying to force the hand of God, and The Holy spirit is just free to move as He sees fit

It was a very cool experience, not nearly as scary as I though either

Well here I am in the loverly town of rotorua. So far its not so bad, the rotten eggs smell doesnt permeate all over town like I had been told.
Its lots of new faces, ended up comming down with N, S went with someone else, because they didnt want to come doen alone which was fair enough

First meeting in an hour, will be interesting to see how it goes

God is so very faithful, I didnt think I would be able to cope when I left CIC, felt that had I not known my old way was so utterly evil, I would have been tempted to give God and christians the one finger salute.

I keep wondering when the axe is going to drop, with St Pauls. I sense they are genuine people, however I thought that about CIC and look at the bunch of fakes they turned out to be.

I am having ideas about planning at the moment. Gods given me the picture of a website about self harm, telling my story, but having links to places that people can contact if they have been self harming or are thinking about self harm

My life hit the skids about age 19; I was dealing with sexual abuse issues from my past and generally not doing a very good job of it. I was getting into some major maladaptive self abusive ways of coping, and the worse the self hatred got well the self abuse got worse as well. Then one day in 2002, I had decided I had enough and made plans to take my life. I took enough pills to kill a baby elephant and to cut a long story short, instead of dying I slept for over a day. It was at this point I started wondering about the idea of a higher power, as when I saw my GP later he basically fell of his chair and said "There is no medical reason why you lived". So with this knowledge that I was a mini miracle, I got into counselling to deal with the abuse stuff, and for the first time in about 6 years I could actually feel my life heading forward. Like an ocean liner trying to turn, the change was gradual but most importantly it was happening.



One of those paths took me into the local bdsm scene. I met some awesome people and discovered a lifestyle choice that worked well for me. I was going to fetish balls and play parties and having a great time. The feel good philosophy worked well for me. I stopped my self harming I believe because of my involvement in BDSM and actually learned to develop a healthy sense of body image. The people I met I will always have a soft spot in my heart, because they are such awesome people, very unlike the stereotypes most Christians have of people who indulge in such behaviour. In the entire 2 years, I only met one person who set of my isck detectors, and he was expelled from the club for being done for pocessing kiddie porn. BDSMers realise that what they do is outside of societal norms, and do not want anything that further adds to the misconception of all kinsters and dangerous.



My involvement in witchcraft began about the same time. A good friend of mine was involved and one of the cool things was that she never attempted to shove her beliefs on me. But when I asked questions she was really good at giving me honest answers. It was this lady who I cast my first spell with and also who gave me assistance with other aspects of Wicca. She gave me advice on how to select a tarot deck, what were the best crystals, places to buy them. At the time I was having issues with Christians who were hugely into the push the message get converts and then leave 'em high and dry with no follow up and also these same people were incredibly judgemental of others who didn't live as they did. She gave me advice of how to deal with the Christians who thought that there religion was right and ours was wrong. I never got a chance to put them into practice although some of the suggestions she offered were really funny.



There are a lot of things I have changed my perspective on, and while I no longer have an involvement with the BDSM community or my former Wicca and pagan friends I still hold them as awesome beautiful people who are hurting and wounded people, looking for answers in all the wrong places.



Other things that appealed to me included the philosophies behind Wicca, including the working with nature, not bashing others for their beliefs and trying to convert others. But also the first time I attended a session with a friend who did readings the incredibly accuracy of which she told me stuff about myself that I was the only one who knew, I was like wow. It was something I decided I wanted to learn. When I went into the shop, an Arthurian deck caught my eye. The first reading I did for someone scared the crap out of me. I think up until that point I had been still somewhat cynical of things like divination. When someone’s paying $100 for a reading, of course they are going to get the answers they want. But the friend I did my first reading for, was amazed with what I was telling her, as it seemed I was speaking directly into her life.



Crystals were another thing that intrigued me. I’d had some success with rose quartz crystals and combating chronic pain. It was intriguing examining the properties of the various crystals and how they help me relieve chronic pain.


One of the biggest draw cards for me was a religion that honoured women for their amazing place in the world. Some of the major religions in the world like Islam view women as chattels, as objects to make the mans life easier. Even some of those who professed to be Christian, used portions of the bible to keep women out of major positions in the church.


So what prompted the change? To this day it still seems like a whole bunch of random events that lead to me coming to know God. My life wasn't a hugely bad place. I had just shifted cities to begin a new course of study, I was having a lot of fun exploring the bdsm scene in Auckland my exploration of witchcraft was interesting and intriguing me at every turn. I felt that I had learnt as much as possible as a solitary and was feeling that it was either time to join with a coven or to start a group. I knew tons of people who were interested in the same things I was.



There was a particular road that I happened to drive up and down a lot, and there were a whole bunch of signs advertising a neighbourhood church. I decided almost on a whim to check out their Easter service, which was a really well done drama/musical, and happened to get chatting to a random lady next to me. Before I left she had given me one of their welcome packs and was encouraging me to come to a Sunday service. I’m like “yea right, thanks but no thanks”


About six weeks later, after having shifted due to a flatmate gone feral. I decided to go to a Sunday service. The day I went was one of their mission services and as I looked at the faces of these children in Tanzania the tears started flowing. My mum was going into hospital the next week to have a suspected cancer removed and that had just hit me like a ton of bricks. At the end the pastor prayed a prayer and gave the opportunity for those who didn't know Christ, but also those who had known Christ an opportunity to get their lives right with god. My hand went up without what seemed like any conscious thought. I remember looking at my hand in the air, and thinking “how the heck did that happen”. The pastor prayed and the service wound down. He did ask those of us who put their hand up to come down the front. I started heading out to the car park. I remember thinking,”I knew there was a catch”. As I hit the stairs to go out of the auditorium I did a 180 and changed direction and headed down the front. It was another one of those things that just happened, and left me thinking ‘Now how did that happen”. I guess God wasn’t going to let me get away that time. Everything had caught up with me, and I ended up blubbering, the pastor wanted me to pray a pray, but I found I couldn’t get past the blubbering. I knew this time when I said it, I wasn't going back and I didn't want to go there until I knew I could pray it and mean it. Later that day I said to God, "I'm not sure you want me lord but if you do, I'm yours". No fireworks or anything though God did say he wanted me to get baptized.



The changes have been gradual and sometimes not really wanted. But as I progressed I realised that God would not be satisfied with anything less than a 100% surrender. It meant that there was a lot of stuff that had to go, the witchcraft, the BDSM. There are still the temper tantrums which usually involve me having a hissy fit going "God do I have to" and God going "Yes you do. I'm not asking you to get nailed to a cross, but yea I would like you to. The choice is yours however". I found that when I made excuses to not do stuff, if God wanted me to do something all the reasons what I shouldn’t do it would surprisingly disappear.


I had hated God for ages, I thought a so called loving God that could allow some of the things to happen that he had, sucked and I wanted no part of him, or the people who claimed to represent him. I found that after all the stuff I had been involved in, that God still wanted a relationship with me, and that just blew my noodle. All other religions there was a certain amount of having to work to get to heaven, but with God, nothing I could do was good enough. By my own efforts I was never going to be good enough. But God the creator of the universe sent his son to die so I could be in a relationship with him. Corrie ten Boom(the hiding place) talks about that there is no hole deep enough that his love cant reach, even though I ran from him and hated him for such a long time, he never stopped loving me and working behind the scenes in my life. Enabling me to make changes so that I could live the life he designed for me to live




The update:

Its been an interesting year. My time at CIC came to a close, when I realised how much in some ways they resemble a cult, and God was very firmly moving me on. I am now attending St Pauls, and have been doing the life course(the Video is deinfately worth a watch). They seem like lovely genuine people and its really nice to walk into a church and not have instant friends. I read the Kingdom Lost novel, written by the Cultwatch director Mark V. A really scary novel, its about auckland 50 yrs into the future. But also its good because it biblically challenges many of the ideas put foward by those in leadership at CIC

I am starting to get involved with St Pauls, and anglican church in the city. Its run by an english mob. Mike Norris the vicar in charge came out with a team from St Marys in london about 3 years back. Rich Johnson the assitant priest and Paul the worhsip leader, came out with their wives afterwards. The church is running on the concept of being long enough to stretch beyond the doors and engage with contempory culture in Auckland. Wide enough to welcome and care for absolutley everyone who comes there. High enough to worship God and let him lead in what ever way he wants to, and deep enough to challenge, train and release all who come there.

The concept of a church where people can have ideas for new ministries, unlike impact where people had to fit into what was already there

I feel like shite. I am on the verge of getting the flu, and I still have 3 exams to go.....

My head hurts, my sinuses hurt, and if I go to stand up to fast, I feel like I'm going to pass out

Just realised today, I have been keeping this blog for over a year. I started this time last year, remember it only too well as it was at my first lot of final times last year when I started. Admitedly I've moved the blog once, however if I had of known all I had to do was change the URL, that would have been heaps easier

So much has happened in the year. I've moved like twice and soon to be third time. Remember feeling so happy at Impact, like I could stay tjhere for ever. Now I view them as a spiritually abusive church at least, with some very cult like characteristics. I was chugging along doing my speech language degree, and have changed to social work...

Mum had her first health scare with growths on her vocal folds that werent cancerous, and then went into acute renal failure. S said it well, she does herself no favours smoking the amount that she does.

S & K and kids moved from Christchurch to Auckland, I became an Auntie again.

Been working at Hohepa over a year. Still sticking with the uni study, the longest I've stuck and anything for ages.....

Alots happened in a year

I like this piece of work. Its the third time I've used it for a blogger post. It speaks volumes to my state of mind at the moment.

Things arent really that bad, but its been storming here today and its been making my fibro flare up like anything. My hip hurts, my knee hurts and when both of those stop temporarily, my big toe and foot starts throbbing along to keep it compant.

Apart from that, its been a good day today, done bucket loads of study got stuck into the community work paper this morning, and then did treaty stuff this avo.

Havent had to endure my obnoxious flatmates at all today, its been great. I suspect that C had an exam this morning and then she works in the avo. Also no D all day. How cool is that... I shouldnt be so mean, but right now I am so over being nice to anyone...

Well this isnt my new place of residence, but I have a lovely new place in the country. Well not so much the country as greenhithe, but its sort of country like, an old house, but has a lovely garden, and gosh I think it will be quiet as well.

Told P tonight, he was really nice and let me off with paying an extra day, as it wasnt quite 2 weeks notice I was giving him. Havent said anything to D & C, dont plan to actually, I think they are in for a nasty shock though, as P made the mention that he is thinking about letting the whole house out unfurnished. For one I doubt they would be able to afford the rent on this place, but also I think that P would not be keen to let them have it either. He may say nothing but I doubt hes not blind, and would be seeing the lack of cleaning done around the place.

Spoke with Y and will get a key so I can take stuff round in the next two weeks. Even though I'm on holiday it should make it was easier to not have to do it all at once. The good thing about this place, is having had such a small room I havent taken alot of the stuff out of boxes, so it will be easy enough to pick it back up again

This link changes the language of which a website is written

Redneck

Cockney

Works with anyy website. Quite cool really

The neanderthal man decided to get rough last night. He was wanting to watch the game at 7.30, however he also decided to get pissy and wanted to watch the pre game shit as well. I was quite happy to give him the game, even thought I dont get why 30 guys would want to chase a piece of pig skin around a pitch, I would never deny someone else their game

anyhow, have had a talk to P and said basically "its either them or me". However hopefully made it clear that if he keeps them there is no hard feelings from me

I would love to be in a house for longer than six months.

And for my cyber stalker (you know who you are) this is not a declaration of being gay), its reference to a party


Tonight I finally did it. I came out of my hermit cave and went to a party. A girl from church invited me, and I thought cool yay, and as time got closer thought na, I'll give it a miss. even on the way there, I almost gave upon the way there, especially after driving round in circles for 20 mins trying to find a park. Note to self finding a park in Symonds street on a friday night before exams is not an easy feat. My friends place was on this street and its also two minutes down the road to Auckland Uni

Anyhow I finally got there, rang S and she came out and I stepped inside. What would they be like, would they have two heads? How the hell would I ever be able to converse with these normal non hermit like people.

As it turned out, relatively easy, holding coversations was no biggy, and the majority were uni graduates which was a bonus because it meant I was guaranted of some intelligent conversation as well. I didnt drink because I was driving and knowing my luck would end up over the limit

But it was a damm good night and I'm glad I went

The message of the gospel is one of grace. A loving God sent his only son into the world, to have the crap beaten out of him with a cat o nine tails, and then nailed to a wooden cross and suffered the worst death imaginable. Only to rise again three days later.

Our God did this because he loved us beyond measure, he desired for us to be in a right relationship with him, and this was the way he could fufill the old testament law of blood sacrifice, once and for all. God would have been completely justified in sending us all to hell but God saught a way to redeem man kind, once and for all, not because of anything we did, but because He loved us so very much.

At the other end of the scale we have legalism. Something that happens when christians take grace to far the other way and start thinking that they can earn their way to God. They think if they keep a set of rules and regulations that will somehow make them good enough for God. CIC was like that, if a person kept rules like tithing, and giving God 10% of their income, God would bless them. Also a person had to dress a certain way to be pleasing to God, and that my salvation depended on me being a member of CIC.

I think tonight, I remet with the God of the bible, Jesus the one who accepts people regardless of how the dress, the Jesus who hang out with the tax collectors, and prostitutes and other assorted dodgy people of the time. Unlike a God of legalism, this encounter with God, left me feeling refreshed and at peace....

Yay God

There seems to be a recoocuring theme with my most recent posts. I wonder if Gods trying to tell me something... This requires further thought

I think what makes me want to ralph is when I hear it comming out of the mouths of so called christian women.

She was wearing skanky clothing, she deserved what she got. Yes wearing skanky clothing probably doesnt help, however no one deserves the humilation of being forced to have sex. I mean lets just add to the shame and condemnation a rape victim is feeling by telling her that she deserved what happend to her.

Its like we somehow have to justify what happened, or perhaps make it less horrible sounding, so we say "well thats ok, she was a hooker, so thats not nearly as bad", or she was looking like a lut, or she was drinking. A woman should have the right to go out with her friends and have a few drinks without fear that she going to end up being forced into sex, by some male who thinks coz shes a bit tipsy, she should be an easy lay

I have three flatmates, two of them are a couple and fellow uni students. As unchristian as the following rant may be, I need to make it......

".....I dont like lazy people who sit around watching TV all day"

".....Coffee is what old people drink". Lol at 28 years of age, I'm incredibly old and crusty. Will be needing to get a zimmer frame before long. I want one of these


I am one of these people who is not good at playing peoples passive agressive games, infact passive agressive does nothing but piss me off.... Her TV comment was in reference to the fact when they arrive home and began to cook tea, I decided to give study a break and watch some TV.... I feel so incredibly bad about that, its like the first time in about 5 days I've sat watching TV on the upstairs TV...

It doesnt bother me in the sense I take personal offence at what she says, its more being flabbergasted at her sheer ignorance. The more I see of these two the more I realise I want nothing in common with them. I can pray for them both from a distance, but thats about as close as I want to get

Sexual abuse and all that. Man there are some twats on christian forums. A WoFer started this post, which it seems was a way to point score... Would God cause someone to be raped? If I was to believe that God is sovereign in this world, that God has ultimate control, that would mean that God allows people to be raped and children to be abused. If Satan can only act with God permission, doesnt that mean even if it was Satans fault, it was God who ultimately allowed Satan to do it. The example of Job, God allowed Satan to test Job and satan did his worst with Job, but only with Gods permission...

Any ideas feel free to leave them.

I love this song by Jeremy Camp, its from the Narnia soundtrack. The whole movie is such a wonderful allegory about the ressurection story



"'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver...'Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. but he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'" CS Lewis, (Lion witch and the Wardrobe)






Br>Open Up Your Eyes Lyrics

Open up your eyes

and see these warning signs

Breaking through your heart and all the reason of your mind



Open up to find
your action leaves behind
The very hope that's given for the world to feel alive



oh

Chorus
And the time has come to realize
And see the plan you've been designed for
So face the fear of all unknown
And see the heart inside
So open up your eyes
So open up your eyes



Throw yourself aside
and hear the gentle cry
Of the voice of peace that gave up all to fill the void inside
Give away the fight,
release your foolish pride
the very bond is broken down you need to leave behind



oh

Chorus
And the time has come to realize
And see the plan you've been designed for
So face the fear of all unknown
And see the heart inside
So open up your eyes
So open up your eyes

open up your eyes



Can you sense the feeling that there's more than what you know? (more than what you know)
It's a fire that burns within that only seems to grow (only seems to grow)
There's a price that's given and which only love can pay
And the time is here and now, don't let it fade away



So open up your eyes, open up your eyes
So open up your eyes, open up your eyes



Chorus
And the time has come to realize
And see the plan you've been designed for
So face the fear of all unknown
And see the heart inside
So open up your eyes
So open up your eyes

The esscence of things hoped for but not yet seen

The amytriptiline seems to be kicking in, and for the first time in ages I feel hopeful again. Its very cool. I got an essay back today and T the lecturer had marked me really hard, especially seeing it was better than my first assignment which I got like an A+ for.....

So long as I can do ok in the exam

Just spoke with mum, and she sounds a huge amount better than yesterday, she still cant poo, but thats understandable since her intestine was completely fiddled with. But she just sounded so much better. So all of you who are praying thank you and please keep praying that she has a pain free recovery.

The other rant moment, how thick can one be and still breath. It would seem ultra thick. A classic example of this is my flatmates D&C. They have yet to comprehend that leaving a window open is an invitation to burglars.

I've realised though, when I first moved in here I thought I would like to make friends with them, however I've since realised I have nothing in common with them, nor do I want anything in common with them.