I seem to be going n about pain alot at the moment. Simple fact is at the moment, it is consuming my life. Am feeling it tonight, after today which yay God was brilliant. I'm feeling it and it hurts.

Had the most outstanding day with J & J my nephews. S & K their parents were moving from the tranist flat into their house proper, and me being muggins said I would give them a hand. Ended up looking after the boys for the most part, which was most cool. They are growing up into such awesome wee fellows. Older J is just brillaint, he has his obnoxious moments, but is talking so much more than he used to. And younger J who is covered in chicken pox. Poor wee munckin but he is so cute and such a cuddly wee boy and so happy even though he has the chicken pox

I feel so incredibly privilidged to be able to imput into their lives

While hutu miltia sat by and murdered(in cold blood) close to a million tutsi's

This is the epitomy of disturbing

Ok so this is the second post now on the Rwanda thing, however it make me want to hurl that we sat by and let this happen. It was perhaps that rwanda had nothing to offer countries like australis, britain or maerica. But how the hell did we just manage to sit by and let a million people be butchered

Saw in the paper this morning, that the 16 year old girl that new zealand kicked out last year, was granted refugee status by the united nations... "she will be safe is she goes back to srilanka... Bullshit!" In an article I read six months after she was deported, it said that she was having to flee srilanka to escape her uncles.......

Watching this movie tonight. http://www.hotelrwanda.com/main.html


Wasnt sure if I wanted to vomit or cry. The west has an appaling track history of deserting people like the Rwandans. We left how many hundreds of thosanuds of Tsutsis to be butchered by the hutu in the 1990s, because it was to hard to solve, or perhaps it was because the tstutsis had nothing to offer the west.

It seems that the west only steps in when the people being persecuted or the country being persecuted has something to offer the west. We should be ashamed!

Forgiveness. The most demanding aspect of being a christian.

Our Father
Who art in heaven
Hallowed be your name
Your kingdom come
Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us
Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil, for the kingdom the power and the glory are yours
For ever and ever amen

Why is it that so many christians have this mistaken belief, that forgiving others is an optional part of being a christian. jesus said it "if you do not forgive you can not be forgiven". People say "Oh but you dont know my story". Which is correct I dont. However I know that our Lord is faithful and that if we ask for his assistance and his strength to forgive someone. He will honour that.

When forgiveness came up for me shortly after becomming a christian, my response was like "God are you nuts?" you dont know what I've been through, how can you ask me to forgive that *sshole. God said "In the times that you struggled, I carried you. I wept with you, and comforted you when you hurt so much you wanted to die. I dont ask you to forgive for his sake, I ask you to forgive because your unforgiveness is holding you in bondage. Your hatred and unforgiveness is holding you prisoner and I desire for you to be free of that so you can live the life I designed for you to live"

Psalm 139


O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.

2
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my every thought when far away.

3
You chart the path ahead of me
and tell me where to stop and rest.
Every moment you know where I am.

4
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.

5
You both precede and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.

6
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to know!

7
I can never escape from your spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!

8
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the place of the dead,[a] you are there.

9
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.

11
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night--


12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are both alike to you.

13
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb.

14
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it.

15
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17
How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God!
They are innumerable!

18
I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up in the morning,
you are still with me!

19
O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!

20
They blaspheme you;
your enemies take your name in vain.

21
O LORD, shouldn't I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn't I despise those who resist you?

22
Yes, I hate them with complete hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

23
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my thoughts.

24
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

A big thumbs down to them. Sent them an email at the start of the week as one of our computers keeps exhibiting the signs of a dieing hard drive. think its possible to gety a reponse from them heck no... Its funny though because compters in the places like the whare, get a whole bunch better attention than ours. Obviously the disability comouters aren't high enough on their list of priorities. Soddying pillocks, I dont want to have to compain, however P has sent them an email I've sent them an email still no response. Will send one more today and after that start looking at putting together a complaint

I won a Cd of the radio this morning... Yay me

The reason why I stand
The answer lies in you
You hung to make me strong
Though my praise was few
When I fall and bring your name down

But I have found in you
A heart that pleads forgiveness
Replacing all these thoughts
Of painful memories
But I know
That your response will always be

(Chorus)
I'll take you back always
And even when your fight is over now
Even when your fight is over now
I'll take you back always
And even when the pain is coming through
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back

You satisfy this cry
Of what I'm looking for
And I take all I can
And lay it down
Before the throne of endless grace, now
That radiates what's true

I'm in the only place
That erases all these faults
That have overtaken me
But I know
That your response will always be

(Repeat Chorus)

I can only speak
With a grateful heart
As I'm pierced by this gift
Of your love

I will always bring an offering
I can never thank you enough

(Chorus Two)
You'll take me back always
And even when my fight is over now
Even when my fight is over now
You'll take me back always
And even when my pain is coming through
Even when my pain is coming through
You'll take me back always

Even when my fight is over now
Even when my fight is over now

You'll take me back always

Even when my pain is coming through
Even when my pain is coming through

You'll take me back


Sometimes as christians I think we get so caught up in our wrongs and what we have done before we come to christ, that we fool ourselves into believing that nothing can change the past and that we are doomed. Of course people who threaten to blab stuff that was spoken in confidence dont help the process.

I suck at scriptural references, however "the truth will set you free" is scuh a true statement. today I had a choice that I could continue to live n fear, that my past and recent mistake and sin would be disclosed, or I could shine the light in there myself and do some long hard looking at why I did fall of the wagon at that particular time and what I can do to stop this happening again.

to those who sort to stand in blackmail of me. Thank you, the threat of being exposed lead me to take a long look at my behavoir of the recent months, to go to God and to repent for that behavoir, and to decide what was more important, to walk in truth, or cower in the dark. I chose the former, and I hope one day that you can do the same in your own lives

I have been struggling at the moment with having a same sex atraction, not gay, I guess the words would be bi. I hid in the closet for a long time however right now God himself has told me to bring it out of the closet for discussion and inspection. When this happened I prayed, asked God to deliever me because I did not want something that the bible clealry says is wrong, to hinder my walk with God.

God being the amazing God that he is, has been working behind the scenes in my life to heal me, and help me. I look back now and can see that my attraction or desire to be with one of the same sex, has resulted out of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, and also the rape at age 19 and again at age 27. Those events left such a disgust and fear and loathing in my soul of men that I decided to avoid that I should become gay, or at least have the option of batting for the same team. I felt that after those events,the thought of letting a man in my safety zone made me physically want to chuck I did not ever want to I realise that its not Gods will for my life to have such an abborent fear of 50% of the worlds population. I have realised or rather Gods shown me that my desire for those of the same sex, was not born out of a chemical thingee in my brain, or being born this way, rather a violation of trust, so huge no child should ever have to endure, and if I am prepared to give it up to him and stop hanging on to it, he will heal

However crappy circumstances is not an excuse for deliberate sin, and to further expose the skeletons so that those who lurk in the shadows can no longer hold them over my head. as I write this I can say that I have gone to God to repent, of hooking up with males for casual sexual encounters, and that I have been forgiven by God, I understand that sex was gods creation and that a casual encounter outside the bounds of a stable married relationship goes against what God had planned for me. I can whinge and cry and say "but God I have had so much stuff to deal with, this was a way of coping" but in reality what ever my crappy circumstances were, they do not excuse the delierbate sin I was doing. yay though that we serve a God, that even when we stuff up in some of the most destructive ways possible, He will forgive.


So where now. I stand at a crossroad, to one side is the easy road, the road that says its okay to feel like this, its okay to act on it, its okay, You had a tough road, and its okay to take the easy option. Its the road down which death and destruction await...

To the other side is the road, down which my lord and king is waiting, he doesnt promise that it will be an easy road, however he promises

1 james 1, verse 8-10 8 8If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. 9But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.

And 1 james 2- 1-2
My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if you do sin, there is someone to plead for you before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who pleases God completely.[a] 2He is the sacrifice for our sins. He takes away not only our sins but the sins of all the world


I've faced my demons, and dragged my deepest and darkest out of the closet where God can shine his light on it, and make the shadows disapate. To my Lord and God, Father thank you, words fail me right now to express my gratitude to you Lord. Thankyou for encouraging me to face the skeletons and to find out they arent nearly as scary as I had thought

Thanks but would rather give it a miss. was just sent an invite to the carpet this afternoon, and yes I would like to talk to those concerned, that said I am still really leery and to do this on the others turf scares me...... Basically coz living is a struggle right now, I dont have alot left in reserve and life scares the crap out of me

This week, I havent just been feeling like I've been run over by a bus, but also that its reversed over me several times as well, fowrds, back. Wile E Coyote after hes tried yet again to cacth the road runner, and just been hit by a bus and the screen shot is of him flattened with tire marks over his body. I think that scene describes how I feel right now. Some of its been of my own making, some of it I dont believe it has... And to top it off getting sick today also hasnt helped either

So will I come to the carpet, right now no... I need to get myself in a place where I can deal with life a bit better, that may take some time. I hope those reading this will understand, this isnt a snub rather a "I cant do this right now, please some more time, also a neutral venue would be more appealing as well"

CS Lewis said "Pain is gods megaphone to a deaf world" or words to that effect.

Phillip Yancey write brilliantly on the need for pain and how it alerts us to the fact that something is seriously wrong

Me personally I could do without it. On the pain scale today, its pretty much off the scale. The gym hasnt had its usualy soothing effect..... I hurt, badly

I mean seriously whats the point in trying to dialogue with people when they so are not interested, and yes JL just to reassure your obvious paranoia this post is refering to you

JL, D and any of you others who read here

You won, you were right and I was wrong, and how dare I ask why you posted stuff and outrightly lied to the whole comunity. How dare I ask you to be upfront and honest, and how dare I expect that my word would be good enough for you.

JL to be blunt I dont give a rats anymore what you think. I'm sick of trying to approach you with the white flag and getting kicked in the teeth repeatedly. I'm sick of you not beliving anything I say, and my word is obviously not good enough

D. I'm offended by the fact that you obviously in your little paranoia worried that I would post adverse messages to the members of that group, and why my pms were disabled. Even though I have no time for any of you at the moment, slandering you and running you down to members of that forum is not something I would do. Infact I wouldnt do it to anyone. Mainly because I think they will get to see your true colours soon enough, but most importanly I dont operate that wayJl a bug huh, obviously the same bug that removed my acess to the other folders. What annoyed me was the sneaky and dishonest way in which it was done. No PMs no nothing

Thank you for being so quick to believe the worst about me. Why didnt I tell you about being a mod at the other forum, pretty much because you'd made your postion clear JL "Its us or them". And to be blunt I didnt know how to say "Gods signed me up with the woman you are calling a false prophet". Perhaps I was wrong to not tell you and for that I am sorry.
You promoted your com as a democracy, where all founding members would have a say, but when it came down to it, all it was was a dictatorship, where it an opinion differed from the groups, it was discounted. You were all so quick to slander the other place as being judgemental, hypocritcal and non biblical, yet in your haste, you are doing the same things as you accuse them of
In conclusion, I wish you well. I wont be back, I see little point in being in a place where my word is not good enough or is not believed. Cant make you believe me, and at this moment in my life, I cant be bothered trying. I have too much going on in my eoffline life, to waste time with a bunch of people who are so near sited they cant get their heads out of their asses long enough to realise those around them arent seriously struggling

the following is an amendment to this post, mainly because I dont want to waste further space in my blog


I never asked for acess to the founding members folder. You in your infinite wisdom had decided I was trustworthy to have access, and without consultation, my acess to those folders was granted. Imagine my shock one day to log on and discover a whole bunch of folders that werent there before. So buddy if you are going to spout the story, spout the true story, although at the moment, I seriously wonder if truth exists in your vocab, or the ability to take responsibility for your actions.

Starting a forum for the wrong motivations only ends up hurting the people involved. I pray that God can take what was created and still use it for his glory

after months of poking and prodding, it would seem I finally have a diagnosis. Fibromyalgia. It could be worse, at least its not terminal. although knowing what I know, i sometimes think it would be easier. I know its not forever and one day I will get a new body in heaven, that said, the though of the next 40-50 odd years of living like this, knowing that the pain will only get worse, right now doesnt thrill me a whole bunch.

There are things to be considered, I am currently using temproary mobility parking at uni, and even thats a big enough stuggle to get from the front gate right next to the main doors, to my classroom. walking hurts and walking makes me want to sleep. My church attendance has gone right down over the last three weeks, because all I've been able to do is uni, and sleep

I dont really want to apply for a permanent mobility sticker. Because that would be admitting I have a disability and somehow admitting that its not going to get better and not going to go away. And I live with the hope that it will. Maybe I'm in delusion, but damm it I'm not prepared to hang up the boxing gloves quite yet

The exercise will be important. so far all the literature I have read points towards the need to keep exercising. Mainly because it keeps muscle form and tone, and basically keeps the joints mobil. Maybe next week I will look at getting some magnesium suppliments, or asking the doc about getting the injection. Injection would be preferable as I cant stand taking pills.

Ok pity party over... Spoke to J today and got signed up for the course at church which will be good.

it feels like a storm is brewing in a huge way....

Kind of thought maybe it was exclusive to one group of people but after the atomic meeting tonight, I'm left with a real sense that those in power or somebody has a wonky agenda

"we dont fight against flesh and blood, but prinicipaliities and powers

Someone hurts us and we want to hurt them back. Its only natural right. Our society is full of people committing violent crimes, and society crying "Castrate the bugga, or lock him up and throw away the key.

In the papers at the weekend, the woman convictied of killing NZ toddler lilybing, spoke about how in prison, she first smoked P, had a cellphone to download porn and generally came out of prison exactly the same way entered it. There were cries of "shoot the b*tch" and "she shouldnt be allowed out after only serving five years" but as much as society would like to hurt the person who killed this toddler and made her short life hell on wheels, killing this woman wont bring lilybing back.

as a rape survivor, I often feel distress at the amount of people who spend so much energy on wanting to make those who perpetrate violent crimes against women. It seems in their desire to inflict damage on the perps, that they loose sight of supporting the victims of these crimes. Overcomming the effects of a rape, is possible. However for the victim to move from that status to being one of an over commer, tremendous support is needed from friends family and loved ones.

I know for me that had I not had the support of some brilliant friends, I never would have been able to process the rape, and move on and become an over commer not stay stuck in victim mode

Yes thats right, I have finally decided I need to do something to promite my weightloss, and have joined the gym. Massey U was selling a 12 month membership for $112. Which worked out to be some obscenly small amount of money.

Have been tweice so far since getting it. which considering today is thursday and I got it on tuesday its all good. Would like to get along at least four times a week, although with...... hell just lost my train of thought. G, the kid belonging to the sharks who I board with just came in... Oh well, some serious pontificating down the toilet. never mind

It saddens me whe I see people who have been hurt by a system, who then decide to start up something as an alternative, and head down the same path of those who they are so critical of.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was the need when I stuff up in my life or wrong another person, to admit that I stuffed up, and rectify that situation. Also learned that sometimes I may attempt to apologise for my actions, the other person may not accept it, but as long as I have done all that I can, then I should not stress about the situation any further.

If I thought I had done wrong, I would happily admit it. Will I go back, unlikley