My life hit the skids about age 19; I was dealing with sexual abuse issues from my past and generally not doing a very good job of it. I was getting into some major maladaptive self abusive ways of coping, and the worse the self hatred got well the self abuse got worse as well. Then one day in 2002, I had decided I had enough and made plans to take my life. I took enough pills to kill a baby elephant and to cut a long story short, instead of dying I slept for over a day. It was at this point I started wondering about the idea of a higher power, as when I saw my GP later he basically fell of his chair and said "There is no medical reason why you lived". So with this knowledge that I was a mini miracle, I got into counselling to deal with the abuse stuff, and for the first time in about 6 years I could actually feel my life heading forward. Like an ocean liner trying to turn, the change was gradual but most importantly it was happening.



One of those paths took me into the local bdsm scene. I met some awesome people and discovered a lifestyle choice that worked well for me. I was going to fetish balls and play parties and having a great time. The feel good philosophy worked well for me. I stopped my self harming I believe because of my involvement in BDSM and actually learned to develop a healthy sense of body image. The people I met I will always have a soft spot in my heart, because they are such awesome people, very unlike the stereotypes most Christians have of people who indulge in such behaviour. In the entire 2 years, I only met one person who set of my isck detectors, and he was expelled from the club for being done for pocessing kiddie porn. BDSMers realise that what they do is outside of societal norms, and do not want anything that further adds to the misconception of all kinsters and dangerous.



My involvement in witchcraft began about the same time. A good friend of mine was involved and one of the cool things was that she never attempted to shove her beliefs on me. But when I asked questions she was really good at giving me honest answers. It was this lady who I cast my first spell with and also who gave me assistance with other aspects of Wicca. She gave me advice on how to select a tarot deck, what were the best crystals, places to buy them. At the time I was having issues with Christians who were hugely into the push the message get converts and then leave 'em high and dry with no follow up and also these same people were incredibly judgemental of others who didn't live as they did. She gave me advice of how to deal with the Christians who thought that there religion was right and ours was wrong. I never got a chance to put them into practice although some of the suggestions she offered were really funny.



There are a lot of things I have changed my perspective on, and while I no longer have an involvement with the BDSM community or my former Wicca and pagan friends I still hold them as awesome beautiful people who are hurting and wounded people, looking for answers in all the wrong places.



Other things that appealed to me included the philosophies behind Wicca, including the working with nature, not bashing others for their beliefs and trying to convert others. But also the first time I attended a session with a friend who did readings the incredibly accuracy of which she told me stuff about myself that I was the only one who knew, I was like wow. It was something I decided I wanted to learn. When I went into the shop, an Arthurian deck caught my eye. The first reading I did for someone scared the crap out of me. I think up until that point I had been still somewhat cynical of things like divination. When someone’s paying $100 for a reading, of course they are going to get the answers they want. But the friend I did my first reading for, was amazed with what I was telling her, as it seemed I was speaking directly into her life.



Crystals were another thing that intrigued me. I’d had some success with rose quartz crystals and combating chronic pain. It was intriguing examining the properties of the various crystals and how they help me relieve chronic pain.


One of the biggest draw cards for me was a religion that honoured women for their amazing place in the world. Some of the major religions in the world like Islam view women as chattels, as objects to make the mans life easier. Even some of those who professed to be Christian, used portions of the bible to keep women out of major positions in the church.


So what prompted the change? To this day it still seems like a whole bunch of random events that lead to me coming to know God. My life wasn't a hugely bad place. I had just shifted cities to begin a new course of study, I was having a lot of fun exploring the bdsm scene in Auckland my exploration of witchcraft was interesting and intriguing me at every turn. I felt that I had learnt as much as possible as a solitary and was feeling that it was either time to join with a coven or to start a group. I knew tons of people who were interested in the same things I was.



There was a particular road that I happened to drive up and down a lot, and there were a whole bunch of signs advertising a neighbourhood church. I decided almost on a whim to check out their Easter service, which was a really well done drama/musical, and happened to get chatting to a random lady next to me. Before I left she had given me one of their welcome packs and was encouraging me to come to a Sunday service. I’m like “yea right, thanks but no thanks”


About six weeks later, after having shifted due to a flatmate gone feral. I decided to go to a Sunday service. The day I went was one of their mission services and as I looked at the faces of these children in Tanzania the tears started flowing. My mum was going into hospital the next week to have a suspected cancer removed and that had just hit me like a ton of bricks. At the end the pastor prayed a prayer and gave the opportunity for those who didn't know Christ, but also those who had known Christ an opportunity to get their lives right with god. My hand went up without what seemed like any conscious thought. I remember looking at my hand in the air, and thinking “how the heck did that happen”. The pastor prayed and the service wound down. He did ask those of us who put their hand up to come down the front. I started heading out to the car park. I remember thinking,”I knew there was a catch”. As I hit the stairs to go out of the auditorium I did a 180 and changed direction and headed down the front. It was another one of those things that just happened, and left me thinking ‘Now how did that happen”. I guess God wasn’t going to let me get away that time. Everything had caught up with me, and I ended up blubbering, the pastor wanted me to pray a pray, but I found I couldn’t get past the blubbering. I knew this time when I said it, I wasn't going back and I didn't want to go there until I knew I could pray it and mean it. Later that day I said to God, "I'm not sure you want me lord but if you do, I'm yours". No fireworks or anything though God did say he wanted me to get baptized.



The changes have been gradual and sometimes not really wanted. But as I progressed I realised that God would not be satisfied with anything less than a 100% surrender. It meant that there was a lot of stuff that had to go, the witchcraft, the BDSM. There are still the temper tantrums which usually involve me having a hissy fit going "God do I have to" and God going "Yes you do. I'm not asking you to get nailed to a cross, but yea I would like you to. The choice is yours however". I found that when I made excuses to not do stuff, if God wanted me to do something all the reasons what I shouldn’t do it would surprisingly disappear.


I had hated God for ages, I thought a so called loving God that could allow some of the things to happen that he had, sucked and I wanted no part of him, or the people who claimed to represent him. I found that after all the stuff I had been involved in, that God still wanted a relationship with me, and that just blew my noodle. All other religions there was a certain amount of having to work to get to heaven, but with God, nothing I could do was good enough. By my own efforts I was never going to be good enough. But God the creator of the universe sent his son to die so I could be in a relationship with him. Corrie ten Boom(the hiding place) talks about that there is no hole deep enough that his love cant reach, even though I ran from him and hated him for such a long time, he never stopped loving me and working behind the scenes in my life. Enabling me to make changes so that I could live the life he designed for me to live




The update:

Its been an interesting year. My time at CIC came to a close, when I realised how much in some ways they resemble a cult, and God was very firmly moving me on. I am now attending St Pauls, and have been doing the life course(the Video is deinfately worth a watch). They seem like lovely genuine people and its really nice to walk into a church and not have instant friends. I read the Kingdom Lost novel, written by the Cultwatch director Mark V. A really scary novel, its about auckland 50 yrs into the future. But also its good because it biblically challenges many of the ideas put foward by those in leadership at CIC

I am starting to get involved with St Pauls, and anglican church in the city. Its run by an english mob. Mike Norris the vicar in charge came out with a team from St Marys in london about 3 years back. Rich Johnson the assitant priest and Paul the worhsip leader, came out with their wives afterwards. The church is running on the concept of being long enough to stretch beyond the doors and engage with contempory culture in Auckland. Wide enough to welcome and care for absolutley everyone who comes there. High enough to worship God and let him lead in what ever way he wants to, and deep enough to challenge, train and release all who come there.

The concept of a church where people can have ideas for new ministries, unlike impact where people had to fit into what was already there