I have been struggling at the moment with having a same sex atraction, not gay, I guess the words would be bi. I hid in the closet for a long time however right now God himself has told me to bring it out of the closet for discussion and inspection. When this happened I prayed, asked God to deliever me because I did not want something that the bible clealry says is wrong, to hinder my walk with God.

God being the amazing God that he is, has been working behind the scenes in my life to heal me, and help me. I look back now and can see that my attraction or desire to be with one of the same sex, has resulted out of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, and also the rape at age 19 and again at age 27. Those events left such a disgust and fear and loathing in my soul of men that I decided to avoid that I should become gay, or at least have the option of batting for the same team. I felt that after those events,the thought of letting a man in my safety zone made me physically want to chuck I did not ever want to I realise that its not Gods will for my life to have such an abborent fear of 50% of the worlds population. I have realised or rather Gods shown me that my desire for those of the same sex, was not born out of a chemical thingee in my brain, or being born this way, rather a violation of trust, so huge no child should ever have to endure, and if I am prepared to give it up to him and stop hanging on to it, he will heal

However crappy circumstances is not an excuse for deliberate sin, and to further expose the skeletons so that those who lurk in the shadows can no longer hold them over my head. as I write this I can say that I have gone to God to repent, of hooking up with males for casual sexual encounters, and that I have been forgiven by God, I understand that sex was gods creation and that a casual encounter outside the bounds of a stable married relationship goes against what God had planned for me. I can whinge and cry and say "but God I have had so much stuff to deal with, this was a way of coping" but in reality what ever my crappy circumstances were, they do not excuse the delierbate sin I was doing. yay though that we serve a God, that even when we stuff up in some of the most destructive ways possible, He will forgive.


So where now. I stand at a crossroad, to one side is the easy road, the road that says its okay to feel like this, its okay to act on it, its okay, You had a tough road, and its okay to take the easy option. Its the road down which death and destruction await...

To the other side is the road, down which my lord and king is waiting, he doesnt promise that it will be an easy road, however he promises

1 james 1, verse 8-10 8 8If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. 9But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.

And 1 james 2- 1-2
My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if you do sin, there is someone to plead for you before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who pleases God completely.[a] 2He is the sacrifice for our sins. He takes away not only our sins but the sins of all the world


I've faced my demons, and dragged my deepest and darkest out of the closet where God can shine his light on it, and make the shadows disapate. To my Lord and God, Father thank you, words fail me right now to express my gratitude to you Lord. Thankyou for encouraging me to face the skeletons and to find out they arent nearly as scary as I had thought