have been exploring other churches this Sunday.

What prompted it was the lady who I was under in terms of pastoral care, was only available on a Tuesday night which more often than not I had a commitment either with the small group I was a part of, or work commitments...... Among other things I was told not to make excuses, if I really wanted to meet I would drop everything to meet on a Tuesday night when this woman had a free 30 mins (or words to that effect)..... I had been told of for talking with another person about this woman, so this time I really felt I should talk to her. I attempted to say although I'm not sure it was heard, that it wasn't due to her, merely her limited time and the fact that I don't find that over the phone pastoral care very helpful. For the most part this lady was brilliant. She said she would speak to the pastor in charge about having me placed with someone else...

I mean grrrrr. She started going on about all the contact I had with people. Including sitting next to someone in church, being prayed for on an alter call, talking to a woman over the phone. Maybe in the space of a couple of weeks might have added up to 30 mins. Why was I needing to be in contact with others? Coz I felt like I was floundering and struggling to keep head above water. Also still absolutely paranoid about being over needy so keeping it to the very bad times.

The reason why I got transferred to this woman in the first place was that the pastor I had been seeing had been assigned to teach at the church school, and couldn't do both jobs. But with the former lady, I might see her once a week for a couple of weeks the might not see her for two or three weeks. But with her the chance to talk face to face regularly helped heaps.... After this convo I ended up feeling like crap, mainly coz had tried to do the right thing and came away feeling worse... I e confused.

did you know according to Christians of the Pentecostal type, all we ex witches /pagans do is sit online and talk about how good it used to be, and how crap Christianity is I spend alot of time here 1. Because if I can have a positive input into someone's life that's cool, 2. Because you guys understand, if I sit here and say that I am struggling really bad with wanting to go back, you get it, you hear and you don't come up with complicated theological arguments about what would happen if I went back.

anyway I went to a new life church in the morning, and it was cool, nice and friendly, even got invited to their church lunch. The message was a tad long, I'm the sort of person that if its much beyond 30 mins my concentration just goes... But the content was good solid bible teaching.

In the evening I went to the church I mentioned a few weeks back. They finally have free parking which in Auckland city is a good thing. The service felt like I had come home... They have a contemporary praise and worship, and the preaching is very solidly biblically based, and nice genuine people. I had started going along to a student group at this church as well....

Why the title. Because as awesome as it was to have a confirmation this was a new church home I feel like I am being sneaky and wrong at doing this in some respects. I keep half waiting for the phone call "where were you on Sunday". I think what it is that there are some awesome people in that church and even though I don't particularly like the fact this church seems in may ways a personality cult about our senior pastors, it doesn't stop the people from being cool people... Also I had been told more than once, that God has placed me at CI because the anointing is so amazing and blah blah. When I expressed the belief God had shut the door for me at CI, it was basically inferred I couldn't be hearing the voice of God.... Without a doubt I believe that God has very clearly shut the door at that church.. Anyway hope this yucky feeling will pass, because being in conflict like this sucks

There are to many aspects of CI that bug me, and I'm not that up myself to think that it would change. IE the huge pressure on giving, also the inference that people don't give enough, also in some respects theprosperity message. IE Give and God will bless you. God blesses whether people give or not. Don't get me wrong I fully am in favour of giving to support my local church... I always felt it was over the top and guilt inducing.

The worship team are a talented bunch of people however many times, it feels over done, I would be in a state of trying to worship God and all I could hear was the worship leader from the stage, I used to wish they would just shut up and let god, Oh and that someone would turn her mic down

But also I guess my background has lead me to be a thinker, and there is alot of extra biblical stuff that is accepted without question, almost like tis bad to be a free thinker. Anway coming to the end of this, man a good write helps. Talked to G today. An awesome woman who I love to bits and have alot of respect for. I spoke what was on my heart about CI and also there close relationship wth D church, it was good to go back and reconnect with the past. Her and M are truly brilliant people, how many other people could put up with the random phonecalls here and there